I'm still here...

It has been a long, long time! Lots has been happening in my life these past few months. The biggest has been preparing for baby Caroline, who is due in just 2 days! I have had some episodes of labor that nearly had me calling the hospital, but would fade after just a few hours. Just trying to be patient while waiting. Patience is a virtue!

An update to my past prayer requests:
Dave is more than half-way through chemo and is doing wonderfully. We have seen God's hand of healing and provision the entire time. The doctor's have been very pleased with the results of his treatment so far. Please continue to pray for complete healing!

Erin had an uncomplicated C-section and her beautiful, sweet little girl is now 2 months old!

We've also prayed and watched in wonder as God has preserved and protected my dear friend, Mary Lou and her new little boy, Ben. Mary Lou delivered Ben by emergency C-section at only 28 weeks gestation due to HELLP sydrome. Praise God Mary Lou is doing great and healing nicely. Ben has grown from 2 lbs, 1 oz to 2 lbs, 14 oz and is also doing very well.

But, the real reason I have dusted off my blog is because God has been laying some things on my heart that are just too lengthy to share in a Facebook status ;-). For months, actually over a year, we as a church have been seeking God for revival. We have been praying, really praying, for an outpouring of His Spirit in our church and our families, that would spill out all over our towns and counties, our state and our nation. We have spent many hours in all-night prayer meetings and have wept many tears at the altar in repentance and in prayer for the lost. And we are beginning to see God really move in our midst!

But the past few weeks, while at church, I have felt a little discouraged. Not because I don't think that God is answering. I know that He is! Discouraged as I watch people on their knees, crying out to God while I'm playing referee between my 2 children. Discouraged as I'm holding my 4 year old to keep her still and reminding my oldest that it is time to pray. I sometimes feel like I'm just not effective, or even wonder why I am there if only spend the entire worship service caring for my children. And even worried over how I'm going to keep my 2 oldest in order all by myself once Caroline arrives (hubby is worship leader and is busy playing drums). But God whispered some reminders to me this past week. They were precious words to my heart and I thought they were too good not to share. I know that there are many mothers out there who can echo my feelings.

God gently reminded me that there will eventually come a time when I don't have children fussing next to me, but on their knees, praying with me. The time I spend with them now, teaching them to pray, to worship with all thankfulness, to seek God's face, and many times just to be reverent and respectful while others are praying is priceless. These children that He has blessed me with are our future congregation; our future worship leaders, and Sunday School teachers, and elders and pastors (actually elder's wives and pastor's wives...since I have all girls). They are the ones who will very soon be on their knees, crying out to God for revival and for the souls of the lost. My time each Sunday is not at all wasted, but so desperately needed at this time where real disciples of Christ are becoming fewer and fewer; where persecution of Christians is becoming a reality even in America, and where their lives as followers of Christ will most certainly require so much more strength and courage and grace that will only come from a real and living relationship with their Savior. He has placed me here at this phase in my life "for such a time as this."

And He also reminded me that my focused prayer time is still powerful and effective, regardless of whether it is with the congregation during Sunday morning service or alone in the early morning hours while the rest of the house is asleep. There are other times that I can spend in prayer, seeking God's face. At 2 AM when I can't sleep due to heartburn or contractions now, or later when I'm up for middle of the night feedings. I can worship Him as I'm folding laundry or washing dishes. I can praise him together with the girls as we sing in the car or dance in the living room. We can pray together for lost loved ones while we're in the car, driving to see them. What a blessing God has given me in these precious little ones; and what an enormous responsibility He has entrusted me with.

We mothers must never make light of the importance of our role on Sunday mornings!

I have more blogs brewing in my mind. Hopefully, soon, I'll have time to sit down and share them too.

This touched my heart this morning

I haven't blogged in such a long time. I apologize! I probably won't be blogging again for at least another week and a half. I am taking some time away from the computer to pray about some very weighty issues this week. Then next week my hubby and I are taking a much needed getaway - just the 2 of us (or 3 of us :0), but Caroline doesn't really demand very much attention just yet). I wanted to leave you with a link to a blog I read regularly. I can never read Angie's blog without tearing up a little and out right sobbing other times. Her writing reaches to the very depths of the soul. I know of so many people stuggling through hardships right now, whether personal, spiritual, financial. This blog is so touching. It's a little long, but please take a few minutes to read it. It will touch your heart.

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2009/03/sea-and-scarf.html

Time to wake up and get busy!

Ok. So this morning I wanted to climb back under the covers and stay there. I have shed my many tears over the future of our nation, but now it's time to pick ourselves up off the floor, dust ourselves off and get busy. We need to get busy sharing the gospel with an urgency like never before - while we still have the precious freedom to do so publically. Since we cannot count on laws to protect the precious lives of the unborn, we need to work even harder at finding other ways to protect them - intervening in the lives of those with unwanted pregnancies before they make a decision that will haunt them forever. We still need to pray fervently for God's mercy on our country. Maybe this is what we Christians need to wake us up and get us out of our comfortable lives and spur us to immediate action. Although it is a very dark day, God is still on the throne and in control.

"See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil." Eph.5:15-16

Good advice?

"Follow your heart!"
Sounds good. Romantic. Even noble, right? That's the advice given in all great fairy tales. Disney's really got it down. I know I've had a little fixation with the movie Fireproof this week, but there was this one line in the movie that really gripped me. It was so piognant! There is a part in the movie when Ken says to Caleb, "DON'T follow your heart. LEAD your heart!" It totally went against all great love story movie advice.

Think about it. The bank robber from the next town over followed his heart. So did the child molester and the serial killer. My heart in it's human, sinful state cares only about one person - ME! Without the saving, transforming grace of Jesus, my heart is dark and selfish. Imagine a world where people (especially Christians) stopped following their heart, and instead surrendered it completely to Christ. Maybe instead of chatting it up with our best friends at church, we might spend some time getting to know that person who's visited every week for a month and still sits alone, . Maybe we'd take our oldest child with us to the grocery store just this once and really focus in on them instead of claiming those few minutes of "me" time. Maybe we'd stop arguing with our spouse about our plans long enough to really hear his dreams.

Maybe we're all too busy listening to the advice of fairy tales and following our hearts to notice the person right next to us.

"For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander." Matt. 15:19

"I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Eccl. 2:10-11

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

Flashback Friday

In response to Storing Up Treasures post, here is my "flashback."

It was January 2007 when we realized that Hannah had more than just a lazy eye. Up until that time, we had heard from the nurse practitioner (whom I will never trust again) that she just had lazy eye muscles and would outgrow her problem. We were finally convinced it was not going to clear up on it's own and I asked her doctor about it. He sent her to an opthamologist who immediately sent her for an MRI. The MRI was quite traumatic enough, since 2 year old must be put under general anesthesia for such a test. It was discovered that Hannah had a large tumor growing quite rapidly behind her left eye.

We were sent to a top-notch hospital with a top-notch eye surgeon to have it removed. When I was told that they would have to cut the bone away from between her eye and temple and then screw it back into place, I felt like I would be sick! My poor sweet baby girl!

But God's grace and peace were abundant and she came through surgery just fine. Recovery was quick and the tumor was benign! Praise God for his protection and the strengthening of our faith through it all.

Praise God for His protection...again!

My "baby" sister, Laura just gave birth to her first child, a precious baby boy, yesterday (more than a month early). He weighed in at 3 lbs 3 oz. There had been problems with the placenta and he was growing very slowly. They had already planned to induce her this coming Monday, but we never made it that far. Laura began having excruciating pain under her ribs and her husband rushed her to the hospital in the wee hours of Friday morning. Her blood pressure was sooo dangerously high, so they put her to sleep and quickly delivered baby Paul by emergency C-section. Laura was in pretty bad shape, showing a several of the symptoms of HELLP sydrome. Praise God that today, she and baby Paul are doing much better! Paul did not need to be sent to a NICU, but is just steps away in the Intesive Care section of the regular nursery. Laura has had a rough recovery, but is doing well. I know she is so heartbroken that she has yet to see Paul. Please pray that she is able to see and hold her new baby soon and that God would give her peace. But PRAISE Him for His protection over them both! I have a new nephew!

God's protection

Last night was my first mommy experience with a breathing emergency. It was so scary! I woke up to some faint sounds coming from the girls' room, and went to check on them. Hannah was rolling around on her bed and desperately struggling to take a breath. She was in a panic and trying to cry or talk, but couldn't get in enough air to do either. I rushed her into the bathroom and sat on the side of the tub with the hot shower running. Trying to get her to calm down required both myself and my husband. Finally, after about 1/2 hour, she was breathing normally (though croupy) again. Tom spent the night holding her upright on the couch since she couldn't lay down without problems. The doctor diagnosed her with croup today and put her on steroids to avoid another such episode tonight.

I am so thankful for my restless sleep last night. If I had been sleeping soundly, I really don't know what would have become of my sweet girl. It is so scary to think of what could have happened. I know that God was keeping me awake last night so that I would hear her and rescue her in time. He had His hand of protection upon her. I am so humbled and thankful!

Do you trust Me?

Octamom just posted a wonderfully written blog on reproductive decisions. She ended with the following questions, so I thought I’d dive in and try to answer.

“So what about you? So how about your family? Are you done? Are you just beginning? What questions, fears, dreams have shaped the number of people in your family? How do you know if there may be someone else lining up for membership in your family club? How do you know when the club is complete?”

Did you ever play that game as a child where you stand facing away from a friend, close your eyes and fall backwards…trusting them to catch you? I believe the name of the game was actually called “Trust”. I played it many times. I can remember wondering if they would really catch me, or just watch me fall. I was sure that my true friends would try to catch me…but what if they dropped me?! I always knew that there was really only one person I could totally trust to catch me – my Dad. It was such a cool game if you could really totally trust the person behind you to catch you!

After 11 years of wondering how I really feel about family planning, God has recently brought me to a place of totally trusting Him. I know that if I leave it completely in His hands, He will not let me down. Like that game of trust, I know that He will never leave me or drop me. He knows so much better than I do what is best for me and my family. I have always felt that by using “birth control”, I was trying to take my future out of God’s hands and “control” it myself.

In no way am I saying I believe it is wrong or a sin to prevent pregnancy. I believe that there are times when serious health issues require prevention of pregnancy, and God uses medical science and our doctors to direct us. What I am saying is that for me, it is a matter of trust and complete surrender to God. It is saying “God, You are sovereign. Your ways are higher than my ways. You see the beginning from the end. I trust Your plan.”

Some would say it is easy for me to think like that because I don’t get pregnant very easily. It has always taken years of trying. I don’t have to worry about having children a year apart or having 3 in diapers. But right now, God has me on the other side of the issue – yearning for another child and trusting that His timing is perfect. The same convictions still apply. He is the opener and closer of wombs. Although I desperately want more children and at times feel impatient (ok, lots of times), again, I still must leave it in His hands and surrender my hopes and dreams completely to Him.

I LOVE the way that Octamom put it. I hope she doesn’t mind my quoting her:
“So in the end, the answer is this: we are standing on holy ground. To be invited by an infinitely creative Creator to participate in such an amazing way to make people is holy. To see those people enter our lives is miraculous.” She goes on to say of her 8 children, “To look in each of the faces around our dinner table, to know that we thought we were probably done with the baby thing after 1, then after 2, then after 3...sometimes my heart is in my throat as I think, "What if I had called it quits? You wouldn't be here! I would have missed the amazing miracle of you..."...wow. That's heavy.”

So I’ve answered the question from my heart. All that being said, I cannot leave my answer as it is and not warn anyone who doesn’t already know the disturbing and horrifying facts about “The Pill” that I have just recently learned over the past few years. It breaks my heart to know that I took those pills for nearly 3 years altogether without ever knowing exactly how they work. Most doctors will not volunteer this information, but after hours upon hours of research, I have found enough evidence that I will never use “the Pill” again. Although I have found many sources, the video below is the simplest explanation I've found. Pastor and author Randy Alcorn has also done extensive research on the subject and has posted his findings here, as well as in his book titled Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortion? which includes endorsments from many doctors. Please watch!

Disturbed!

Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves, when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little, when we arrive safely because we have sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess, we have lost our thirst for the waters of life; having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity; and in our efforts to build a new Earth, we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery; where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. We ask you to push back the horizons of our hopes; and to push into the future in strength, courage, hope, and love."

-Sir Francis Drake, explorer and naval pioneer during the Elizabethan era

I found this quote by Sir Francis Drake yesterday while looking for something gripping to add to the weekly church newsletter. It gripped me! How often are our dreams about living the good life, the American "dream", and not about our lost loved ones and neighbors giving their lives to Christ, embracing the cross, and finding victory in Him? How often do we sail through safe "waters" so that we don't "rock the boat" with the Truth? How often are we so distracted by all of our stuff that fills us up so that we aren't even thirsty for Him any longer?

My prayer is that I would become more "disturbed" by the Lord! That I would venture out onto those wild seas, in faith knowing that He is the one controlling them. That I would not remain in the comfortable safety of the lukewarm and apathetic, but dare to boldly venture out into the storm, my hand in His. That I would forget those things that moths and rust destroy, and lose myself in what is eternal.

A little whisper from Him

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;" Proverbs 3:5

I have the Women's Devotional Bible and just happened to open to the devotional written for this verse yesterday. My recent reading has been in 1 Corinthians, so it wasn't planned. It just caught my eye. Below is the devotion that I read, written by Ann Kiemel Anderson:

This is another verse with a command: "TRUST...LEAN NOT on your own understanding"; and a promise: "he WILL make your paths straight" (caps mine).
Trust is such a lovely word in a world thoroughly self-indulged and complicated. It is quiet, simple. It represents freedom. Rest. Letting go.

A favorite, old hymn my father would often sing was, "tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word...just to REST upon his promise..." Most of us are too busy and noisy to hear the "still, small voice." To identify it. To trust in its power above our human strivings.

Friends of ours, who had been down the battered road of infertility, longed for another baby. A perfect situation came about. A young birth mother who felt the only answer for her baby was adoption.

A precious baby girl was born. I loved the birth mother and knew that this was a very painful decision. The adoptive couple came from another city to meet the birth mother and to take their new baby home. It was Thanksgiving week. Relatives had flown in for a family celebration. The birth mother signed the papers, releasing the baby from the hospital. But in the courtroom, days later, she broke down. She just couldn't give up her baby. She drove hundreds of miles on Thanksgiving Day to take back her baby.

The couple's celebration turned to heartbreak. Immediately, they began to trust. Not to figure it all out, or judge the birth mother. They waited quietly. In a year, twin girls were born and theirs was the chosen family. They lost one, and God gave them back two.

There are very many unknowns in life. A husband's job. Our children's struggles. A tentative move. Critical talk behind our backs. A search for our own identity. Bills to pay. Aged parents to look after. Let go completely. Trust. Live with it all in an open hand before God. Jesus promises he WILL work it all out. I do believe for you, always...a new sunrise.

I totally believe this was a little gift from God, as I had just discovered that once again, this month I am not pregnant. Not even 5 minutes after this disappointment, God opened my Bible and drew my eyes to His word for me for that moment. I LOVE the way God works! I LOVE that He cares so much about our little disappointments. I LOVE that He cares enough to send us encouragement that is so obviously straight from Him!